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Nov. 29th, 2011 | 04:25 am
location: US, Florida, Edgewater, Volusia, Date Palm Dr, 1855

I'll be turning 21 in a couple of days. Not that anything special is going to happen.

I look back on my past blogs and read the way Jessee has treated me with distance, and I think to myself that if there is going to be any distance between us in the future, we will not work out. He doesn't treat me like I mean everything to him like he says I do. In March it'll be 6 years. 6 long, agonizing, depressing, mind boggling years. I love him. I do. I just hate myself for being afraid of everything. Afraid of losing him even after all he's put me through. Afraid of staying with him and shit happening again in the future. Afraid to walk away and not be able to handle living without him. I'm just scared. I love him, but i hate him. I don't want him to feel bad about anything, i just wish that shit never happened. The past can't change, so the only thing I can really do is be afraid of the future.

I'm 21 years old. No job. Fat. No car. No friends. A loser, if you will. What I want? To be 21, skinny, beautiful, loved by her friends, working, going to college. I do not possess the courage, normality, mentality to get out and pursue these things. I cannot work, unless it's at a desk typing, or filing papers. I cannot go to school unless it's online, or in a very small class. I have major social issues. I have major self conscious issues. I have major depression issues. I have major sleeping issues. I just fucking plain have major issues.

Jessee is all I have. And he's hurt me more than anyone ever could have. My mom is all I have and she's dying. The 2 people that mean MORE than the world to me, and one I can't trust, the other... Dunno if she'll make it day by day.

I'm trying. This isn't me asking for pity. This is me telling myself that I have to try harder. Make yourself bleed, sweat, cry. For them. Be strong and become who you want to be. Push through the pain. Stand through everyone, everything constantly beating you down. Stand Up.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Jun. 22nd, 2010 | 06:25 pm
mood: worriedworried

It's been a while. I haven't been able to keep up with my own life as of late. I moved out of my father's house, and in with my mother. It seems she doesn't really want me here, she just felt sorry for me that my dad was going to leave me out on the street. School is fucked up, I can't concentrate on it to save my life - and it's almost time to be completely done with everything, or I'll have to wait until next year to get my certificate. I've been depressed for no reason again, it's part of the reason I can't concentrate though - that and I now have a 4 year old to look after. My ex-best friend, Meshala, has been starting crap again. But this time, I'm not putting up with the constant harrassment. Mommy and I filed an injunction against her, which I doubt they can do anything about online harrassment, (freedom of speech). I've done the best I can at ignoring it, but when I post something on my friend's page, then she comments it saying that I should sell my fat to buy a car - that's a bunch of BS and I am not putting up with an immature, pregnant 19 year old acting like she's the shit.
Jessee has been really sick. He texted me the night before last and told me that he was coughing up some blood... It scared the shit out of me. I'm not any where near him to make sure that he's okay, and I highly doubt that if anything happened to him, my mom would drive me over to him to see him. He told me today that he was in the hospital and he has Bronchitis. His "friend" Michael - the one that gets everyone sick ALL the damn time is the one to blame. I don't like him. He is a pig, and he is gross. Anyway... I don't know what else to update on... there are too many things going on to post it all. Oh, for the past 25 minutes, I've had hiccups. That's extremely rare for me... I don't get hiccups.


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Nov. 17th, 2009 | 01:31 am
mood: Depressed as FUCK.

I know, it's been a long while since I updated this thing. I just don't have the time, nor the will to update anything.
But, I have been so fucking depressed lately. I've just been feeling that no one gives a shit, and my years of not talking to people, and not letting them in has led me to have no one. My boyfriend (Whom I love very much) of over 3 1/2 years, acts like he doesn't like me anymore, and when I talk to him about it, he says I am crazy. I am in love with my best friend, fucking stupid I know. What's even more stupid? The one he loves, and has been off and on with for the past 3 years, is my best girl friend. He knows how I feel, but how I managed to keep this a secret from her for over a year beats me.
And then there's Lilly. My sweet, lovely Lilly. I wish I could just drop everything, and everyone else, and go be with her. That would make everything so much simpler. But of course, that can't happen. You can't just stop loving someone.
I hate love, I hate stress, (oh, and the whole love life situation is not the only stressful thing I am going through, there is so much more. It's just way too much to type, and I don't have the patience), I hate research papers, I hate being alone... I hate life.

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010 Not Giving Up

Sep. 3rd, 2009 | 10:29 am
mood: tiredtired

I'm only getting stronger. This is making me realize what the world is made of, and I CANNOT, and I WILL NOT give up. I am only 19 years old, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me.
I also realize that people can be really huge assholes, especially if it's anonymous, and you will never find out who it is that is talking shit about you. Crushtag for example, I was posting in the GD on gaia, and someone left me a comment on my crush tag saying "Wannabe Goth. Gtfo. - The GD" - I blew it off, and deleted it. Well, they decided that they have no lives, and that they were going to spam me. Keep in mind, this is a totally random person, that knows NOTHING about me, except my picture, and what they read in my about me. They kept calling me wannabe emo, wannabe goth, and told me to cut myself. I just "LOL"ed, because emo and goth, are two COMPLETELY different things. I am, infact, a goth, not emo. And to say that my hair looks like shit? Haha, right. Thanks for the compliment.

I hate people who act like they are 12, and act like they know people for what they see, or read.
Grow the fuck up, get out of the house, and stop spamming and harassing people.
You're just like my ex-best friend. Has nothing better to do, but hurt the only ones there for her,
And when she loses them, all she can do, is still harass them, and make them hate her more.

I'm off to get some sleep, It's 11am here. NightyNight.

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007 - Updates

Jul. 30th, 2009 | 03:31 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative

I now have a twitter account. Same name. Updated youtube videos. Blahblahblah.
Trying to make everything as simple as possible, and the same color. Except my twitter, it's brown, not teal.
But my MySpace, YouTube, and LiveJournal are all teal. I know this isn't very grammatical, right now, I don't care.
Will update later.


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006 - This depresses me

Jul. 28th, 2009 | 01:02 pm
mood: Grabby

These are absolutely amazing, and I really want them. I would kill for them.
They are only $10 - and yet I cant get them - because I phail at life.

Clear Lense


If anyone would want to buy them for me? LMAO.

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006 - Stupid People are Stupid

Jul. 28th, 2009 | 02:17 am
mood: frustratedfrustrated

Since you are a total cunt-lick, and you respond to everything I say to you with a "Haha, you are fat." - Then block me; I figure I will write out a few things I am thinking, THAT YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE FUCKING CHANCE TO SAY TO YOU.

First, stop being so fucking high-and-mighty on yourself, and look around. You can't fucking work at Wendy's for the rest of your life, and expect to have everything you want, because what you want, is A LOT. You say that you would be making as much, if not more than me. YEAH RIGHT. Fucking wendy's does not pay their employees up to 150k salary, so shut the fuck up, because you don't know what you are talking about.

Secondly, I'm fat. Shut the hell up, moron. I should weigh 20 pounds MORE THAN YOU. But I fucking don't. You weighed fucking 15 pounds more than ME at one point. Yeah, you lost weight, congratu-fucking-lations. You still don't weigh less than me, and what the fuck does it matter. All you do is prance around, and let your crotch hang out. And it's not like you have any TITS.

Third, if you say we aren't friends, Leave me the fuck alone. And stop getting your "best friend" to fucking call me 8 times a fucking day with "witheld" numbers. Get a fucking life. You have something to say to me, fucking say it yourself, you seem to do that pretty damn well. Don't be an immature bitch, and tell your friends, "Prank call this girl." Oh, and telling him to PREACH TO ME ABOUT GOD-  guess what honey, Now that you've done that, I believe even less. Thank you for that.

Bottom line, Grow up. The world does not revolve around you, and leave me the fuck alone. I don't want anything to do with you. So stop trying to act like you don't give a shit, because you and I both know that you need me. You said it yourself, What the fuck would you do without me. Oh, and grats on not being pregnant - Yet again. I fucking told you so.

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005 - 07272009

Jul. 27th, 2009 | 06:08 pm
mood: Inspired

Okay, so today I have decided to make a new video on youtube, since I haven't made one in a coupla months at least. Looking back on my old videos, wow. They are pathetic. Haha. I don't have a good editing program, all I have is windows MovieMaker, and no video camera. So no actual VIDEOS for now, just picture videos. - sigh -


There it is. :]


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004 - Yeah?

Jul. 25th, 2009 | 04:31 pm
mood: hungryhungry


[x] You have a short temper.
[x] You often act on your emotions without thinking first.
[x] You are very competitive.
[x] You like to play with fire.
[ ] You are not a strong swimmer or you can't swim at all.
[ ] You prefer warm weather over cold weather.
[x] You often lose control over yourself.
[x] You can be quite reckless.
[x] You sometimes hurt people without realizing it.
[x] People have often called you insane.
Total: 8


[ ] You have a calm, laid-back personality.
[ ] You like to go to the beach.
[ ] You rarely get angry.
[ ] When you do get angry, you know how to control it.
[x] You think before you act.
[x] You are good at breaking up fights.
[ ] You are a good swimmer.
[x] You like the rain.
[ ] You can stay calm in stressful situations.
[x] You are very generous.
Total: 4


[x] You are physically strong.
[ ] You have a close connection with nature.
[ ] You don't mind getting dirty.
[x] You form strong opinions on issues that concern you.
[ ] You could easily survive in the wild.
[x] You care about the environment.
[ ] You can easily focus on your work without getting distracted.
[ ] You rarely get depressed.
[ ] You aren't afraid of anything.
[x] You prefer to have a strict set of rules.
Total: 4


[x] You have a free spirit.
[ ] You hate rules.
[ ] You prefer to be out in the open rather than in small, enclosed spaces.
[x] You hate to be restrained.
[ ] You are very independent and outgoing.
[x] You are quite intelligent.
[x] You tend to be impatient.
[x] You are easily distracted.
[x] You can sometimes be hyperactive and/or annoying.
[ ] You wish you could fly.
Total: 6


[x] You spend most of your time alone.
[x] You prefer nighttime over daytime.
[x] You like creepy things.
[ ] You like to play tricks on people.
[x] Black is your favorite color. (one of them)
[x] You prefer the villains over the heroes in movies, TV shows, videogames, etc.
[x] You don't talk much.
[x] You are atheist.
[x] You don't mind watching scary movies.
[x] You love to break the rules.
Total: 9


[ ] You are very polite.
[x] You are spiritual.
[x] When someone is in trouble, you never hesitate to help them.
[ ] You believe everything you see or hear.
[ ] You are afraid of the dark.
[ ] You hate violence.
[ ] You hope for world peace.
[ ] You are generally a happy person.
[ ] Everyone loves to be around you.
[ ] You always follow the rules.
Total: 2

Of course, Fire and Darkness. x]

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003. Writer's Block: Party Time

Jul. 24th, 2009 | 11:17 pm
mood: weirdweird

What was the last great party you attended?
4th of July, 2009.
Got drunker than hell, forgot to eat anything, so I was throwing up the whole next day.
Lost 6 pounds the 5th. Haha. It was worth it though. Fun night.

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